I fell off my routine for 4+ months, here's what i learned about myself
Beautiful photo shot by @greeneyesmonsterportraits 💖 You can find her on IG under that tag!
Being an athlete requires tremendous discipline - And as an athlete and an entrepreneur - I have always struggled with discipline. That may come as a surprise to you given my career, but it is true. The normal things that others have a very easy time doing, I have a hard time doing. The opposite is true as well. Training comes very easy to me most of the time, which is something many have a hard time with.
My problem is that I love training. So I will spend all my hours doing it, and neglecting the others things that must be done. Going through my costuming and clothing that is making our dresser bust at the seems. Going through a doom pile of old mail. Organizing the insanity that is under the sink cabinet. Admin work is something I consider myself a professional at avoiding. Blame it on my self diagnosed ADHD, blame it on wanting to train to be my best, or just blame it on lack of discipline.
Around December of 2024 I decided to really lock in. I was doing well, but I wanted to do even better. I wanted to push myself even more. I joined a self mastery group, I gave myself a lot of strict routines to follow that helped me really start to defeat my demons. Meditation everyday. Mandatory studying and reading everyday, journaling, creating, Early wake ups, less screen time, etc. I was really building myself up and I was so proud of all of the progress I was making mentally! I felt the dead weight of who I didn’t want to be anymore slowly melt away. But after about 8 months of amazing progress, I slowed down.
The biggest factor that lead to my downfall was my phone usage. Glued to an alternate reality that shot me with incredible amounts of dopamine, it left no dopamine for the tasks I needed to complete. It’s hard because I have to post my work to be seen and considered for job opportunities. I stopped meditating as often. I stopped going through messes. I stopped going for walks. I worked on creative projects less. I stopped creating my to-do list everyday. I stopped taking courses and studying my text books. I stopped reading about the stoics. I just scrolled, did the bare minimum to get by, and repeated it the very next day… for months.
Now I could tell you the string of stories that happened in my childhood that lead me to be this way. But that’s not important right now. I am me, so I’m responsible for my life. No one else is. No matter what happened in the past. Fast forward to now, I am looking back on my straying from the path that I was so proud to be on. But instead of looking at myself with shame and putting myself down, I am looking at it as a side quest. What was my life like without all of the things I value being on the forefront of my day to day? I want to see it from an objective point of view, without shaming myself into the ground and lowering my self esteem by 20 notches.
Lesson 1. When I look at my phone first thing in the morning , it sets the tone of my day to be low vibrational. Everything else will match it. If I keep my phone away from me for the first hour of waking and within 1 hour of sleeping, my day has significantly higher chance of being positive and productive.
Lesson 2. Too much consumption left me feeling empty and unfulfilled inside. Too much scrolling (in my case) left me feeling unmotivated. But when I create (dance, write, sing, sew, etc.), when I consume knowledge that will better me as a human and use said knowledge - I come alive. My discipline levels start to fill up again. Education and challenge are the compost to growth and fullfilment.
Lesson 3. When I do not meditate, I go through this life aimlessly. When I do not meditate I am refusing to do a self audit of my mind, my thoughts, my values, what keeps me going. Meditating is how I check in with myself - am I living life in accordance to what I believe in? Am I doing my best to show up and hold myself accountable for all of the things that I expect of others? Am I being the best wife, partner, friend, sibling and daughter that I can be? Am I showing up for my community? Meditating and journaling allow me this freedom.
Lesson 4. When I don’t connect with nature everyday, I lose some of my whimsical charm. It makes sense, a fairy needs to be in her place of sanctuary in order to keep her powers fully charged. There is beauty in every season, and I want the discipline built up again that It takes to go out no matter the season. Cold and windy, hot as heck, you name it. We have layers, we have warm drinks, we have sun protection, we have AC, we have technologyyyy. I always feel better mentally, physically, and spiritually when I connect to Mother Earth on the daily. She is the original source of inspiration for humans since the very beginning.
and lastly,
Lesson 5. Making “mistakes” makes you human. “Falling off” is not something to shame yourself into oblivion about. It’s just data. It is now my job to assess that data and find the cause of the straying. Because there are variables that cause it. Growing up in a deeply religious home, I was taught at a young age that if I do the wrong thing I will go to hell. I will have a terrible life if I don’t follow rules perfectly. But that is just not true 😅 Like it couldn’t be farther from the truth! And thanks to the 8 months of deep work I did - I was able to realize the shame complex I fall prey too, instead of just letting it consume me. We are dismantling that, one thought at a time. Heaven is in the present, it is the life that I’m creating. It’s not that serious and mistakes are unavoidable. They’re essential actually!
Assess your data, what is the variable that caused the shift ? Write them down, and see where this leads you.
Thank you for being here 💖
With Love,
Katie Torres
